29 April 2011

Friday, I am grateful...an update!

Hi. It's been a while. My apologies. I've missed you and I hope you've missed me too, my friends.

I won't lie to you. Since October, there have been many little challenges thrown in my path which has caused me to withdraw and to be a stranger. It began with health issues in October which coincided with the loss of a cherished and old friendship in my life. I was off my feet, quite literally, and had far too much time to think, to dwell, and to be confused. Autumn turned into winter and it hit me rather hard this time around. There was seasonal depression and the discovery of a lot of anger brewing inside of me (mainly due to this friendship ending). I tried my best to keep my chin up but, instead of talking it out, I filled certain gaps in my life with far too much overtime at work. Yes, not healthy. Consciously, I decided to turn things around for ME -- I began to work out daily which was great for both my mind and body. I began to write daily. I began to realize that there was a lot I needed to let go of.

After my birthday, my computer died and then my health started acting up again. That explains my disappearing act. As for my health, my joints began to ache. I thought it was simply PMS but it lasted two months. Dull, achy pain, and completely mentally exhausting. A pain that you can live with but is a bit draining on your happiness and spirit after a while. By the time I got in to see my doctor, the pain vanished. She thinks it is either Rheumatoid Arthritis or Lupus (possibly related to my Hypothyroidism?) so if and when I have another flare-up of pain, I have to go for more blood work. I am so grateful to not be in pain and I am so grateful that I can be active again in the way I wish to be. Seeing my osteopath has helped me so much, as well.

A few weeks ago, as I was walking home from work, I saw a cyclist get hit by a car door. It was in fast moving traffic and the cyclist could not avoid hitting the car door as there was a bus to his left. There was a loud thud, a man tangled in a bicycle, and a collective gasp on the street. It rattled me and, luckily, the cyclist was okay. As I walked away from the accident, in the warm sun, thoughts flooded my mind and tears to my eyes. I was so grateful that my friend/co-worker Laura gave me a hug that day and hope she is careful on her bike. I thought of my grandfather, who was a victim of a hit and run accident on his bicycle (he was injured, one leg amputated) ... and how much I missed him. And I thought of the friendship in my life that I recently lost.

This woke me up.

I realized that life is too short to hold onto such anger and bitterness of disappointment, of a broken heart in the end of a friendship. This person hurt me deeply but at the end of the day and the end of it all - I never hated this person. In fact, I loved this person and will always love this person even though their actions did not make any sense to me or my heart. I have no regrets and I know that this person will always be a part of me and a part of my history. I forgive him and I forgive myself. I can think back on our friendship and I can now smile. It has taken me a very long time to see again the beauty in all of this. It is a bittersweet feeling but I no longer feel weighed down by the pain of heart ache and severely bruised ego. In that moment, I declared - "today, I let go of anger". I feel free again, I feel like I can smile with ease, and I feel genuinely content. Though, I can honestly use a hug every now and then ... things are calm, the sun feels warm on my face, and I feel better than I have in a very long time. I have learned so much since October.

The photograph is of the necklace that I bought for myself on my birthday. I'm not into jewelry but this piece called out to me. It feels right and reminds me of many things - strength, beauty, love, lust, a diamond in the rough, loneliness and friendship, longing and loss, good luck and good timing.

It feels good to let go of anger, it feels good to not be depressed/anxious, it feels good to not be in physical pain, and it feels good to smile. I am grateful. :)

09 February 2011

Wednesday, I am grateful...

Hey, I'll be honest - I am in a cantankerous mood.

Since moving away, I haven't really dealt with birthdays very well. Birthdays and holidays; I miss my parents, my sister, and my old friends. I am not very pleasant to be around and I have had my own private cry in the bathtub. Tomorrow, my birthday, I will put on my best face and work happily. Sigh. I know there are so many things to be grateful for but there are some tough days when it is difficult to see the good things. As happy as I can be, there will always be darkness that follows me. I accept this and know this will flow and pass as it typically does.

I have no issues with telling someone that I am proud of them or that I am grateful for them. I should do it more often. I realize I'm an "adult" and I shouldn't need reassurance. Sometimes, I just want to hear someone say, "I'm so happy you are in my life" or "You are a beautiful person". I am a sensitive and often needy person.

Sometimes I am so tired of this loneliness that also follows me. It has been awhile since a friend here called me up to say "let's go out". Friends back home, sure. Here, nope. I go out and people stare at me like I am a fucking freak. People sit and stare like I have a bloody head wound. I have never been so invisible in the eyes of the opposite sex as I have in this city. I feel like I'm some sort of shadow blending into the back ground. No impact even though I know I'm a pretty wonderful person. Whine, whine, whine.

Yeah, I need a hug. My apologies for my pity party. These last few months haven't been easy.

Thank goodness for chocolate.

08 February 2011

Tuesday, I am grateful...

No, there is no photograph today.

I am grateful for laughing so much today. I think I am sleep deprived and winter is getting to me. I was giggly all day and I kept it all inside as my office is unusually quiet. My co-worker and friend, Laura, showed me this clip from Flight of the Conchords close to the end of my shift. Tears welled up in my eyes and I had a good laugh out loud. I laugh so much with Laura and this was just too much! :)

07 February 2011

Monday, I am grateful...

I have fumbled for months but I believe I have found a solid footing to walk away and the grace to let you go, my friend.

Happy birthday. It will take a while to remember you with fondness and a smile.

06 February 2011

Sunday, I am grateful...

... for warm winter days when you can smell spring in the air.

By now, we are all sick of winter and spring feels like it will never arrive. I keep thinking, spring is around the bend ... just a few more weeks ... let's hang on and we'll get through this. Today, the sun felt warm on my face and, as I walked along my way, puddles of melting snow were at my feet. It felt promising. The winter blues will soon go away, I'm certain!

As you can see in the photograph, there are no puddles to be seen. There were puddles, I promise - we received a good amount of snow over the past week and the city's snow removal trucks have yet to visit my neighborhood!

05 February 2011

Saturday, I am grateful...

... for playtime.

Toshio is the first dog I have had in my life. One thing I have learned from this silly dingo is that you are never too old to play. He taught me how to play again. I love the weekends because I have ample time to play with him - run around, throw things, and explore. He loves the winter in particular so I have learned to enjoy it a little more as well. He's hilarious in the snow. You can simply pick up a snowball and he will begin to drool - he loves snowballs that much. Seeing my dog happy makes me happy.

Simple things, my friends - it's all about simple things. We should appreciate every single piece of happiness. I, too, have to remind myself of this because I do battle with darkness far too often than I would like to admit.

04 February 2011

Friday, I am grateful...

... for belated Christmas gifts!

Big thanks to my lovely friend Nicole for the thoughtful gift. I laughed and I smiled. I have some pretty amazing friends back home.

I am also grateful that it is Friday. I would post a photo of myself made haggard by a tiring winter work week but that won't be pretty. Though I will miss silly laughs with certain co-workers, I'm happy to not be at work and sleeping in the warmth of my bed.