29 April 2011

Friday, I am grateful...an update!

Hi. It's been a while. My apologies. I've missed you and I hope you've missed me too, my friends.

I won't lie to you. Since October, there have been many little challenges thrown in my path which has caused me to withdraw and to be a stranger. It began with health issues in October which coincided with the loss of a cherished and old friendship in my life. I was off my feet, quite literally, and had far too much time to think, to dwell, and to be confused. Autumn turned into winter and it hit me rather hard this time around. There was seasonal depression and the discovery of a lot of anger brewing inside of me (mainly due to this friendship ending). I tried my best to keep my chin up but, instead of talking it out, I filled certain gaps in my life with far too much overtime at work. Yes, not healthy. Consciously, I decided to turn things around for ME -- I began to work out daily which was great for both my mind and body. I began to write daily. I began to realize that there was a lot I needed to let go of.

After my birthday, my computer died and then my health started acting up again. That explains my disappearing act. As for my health, my joints began to ache. I thought it was simply PMS but it lasted two months. Dull, achy pain, and completely mentally exhausting. A pain that you can live with but is a bit draining on your happiness and spirit after a while. By the time I got in to see my doctor, the pain vanished. She thinks it is either Rheumatoid Arthritis or Lupus (possibly related to my Hypothyroidism?) so if and when I have another flare-up of pain, I have to go for more blood work. I am so grateful to not be in pain and I am so grateful that I can be active again in the way I wish to be. Seeing my osteopath has helped me so much, as well.

A few weeks ago, as I was walking home from work, I saw a cyclist get hit by a car door. It was in fast moving traffic and the cyclist could not avoid hitting the car door as there was a bus to his left. There was a loud thud, a man tangled in a bicycle, and a collective gasp on the street. It rattled me and, luckily, the cyclist was okay. As I walked away from the accident, in the warm sun, thoughts flooded my mind and tears to my eyes. I was so grateful that my friend/co-worker Laura gave me a hug that day and hope she is careful on her bike. I thought of my grandfather, who was a victim of a hit and run accident on his bicycle (he was injured, one leg amputated) ... and how much I missed him. And I thought of the friendship in my life that I recently lost.

This woke me up.

I realized that life is too short to hold onto such anger and bitterness of disappointment, of a broken heart in the end of a friendship. This person hurt me deeply but at the end of the day and the end of it all - I never hated this person. In fact, I loved this person and will always love this person even though their actions did not make any sense to me or my heart. I have no regrets and I know that this person will always be a part of me and a part of my history. I forgive him and I forgive myself. I can think back on our friendship and I can now smile. It has taken me a very long time to see again the beauty in all of this. It is a bittersweet feeling but I no longer feel weighed down by the pain of heart ache and severely bruised ego. In that moment, I declared - "today, I let go of anger". I feel free again, I feel like I can smile with ease, and I feel genuinely content. Though, I can honestly use a hug every now and then ... things are calm, the sun feels warm on my face, and I feel better than I have in a very long time. I have learned so much since October.

The photograph is of the necklace that I bought for myself on my birthday. I'm not into jewelry but this piece called out to me. It feels right and reminds me of many things - strength, beauty, love, lust, a diamond in the rough, loneliness and friendship, longing and loss, good luck and good timing.

It feels good to let go of anger, it feels good to not be depressed/anxious, it feels good to not be in physical pain, and it feels good to smile. I am grateful. :)

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