09 February 2011

Wednesday, I am grateful...


Hey, I'll be honest - I am in a cantankerous mood.

Since moving away, I haven't really dealt with birthdays very well. Birthdays and holidays; I miss my parents, my sister, and my old friends. I am not very pleasant to be around and I have had my own private cry in the bathtub. Tomorrow, my birthday, I will put on my best face and work happily. Sigh. I know there are so many things to be grateful for but there are some tough days when it is difficult to see the good things. As happy as I can be, there will always be darkness that follows me. I accept this and know this will flow and pass as it typically does.

I have no issues with telling someone that I am proud of them or that I am grateful for them. I should do it more often. I realize I'm an "adult" and I shouldn't need reassurance. Sometimes, I just want to hear someone say, "I'm so happy you are in my life" or "You are a beautiful person". I am a sensitive and often needy person.

Sometimes I am so tired of this loneliness that also follows me. It has been awhile since a friend here called me up to say "let's go out". Friends back home, sure. Here, nope. I go out and people stare at me like I am a fucking freak. People sit and stare like I have a bloody head wound. I have never been so invisible in the eyes of the opposite sex as I have in this city. I feel like I'm some sort of shadow blending into the back ground. No impact even though I know I'm a pretty wonderful person. Whine, whine, whine.

Yeah, I need a hug. My apologies for my pity party. These last few months haven't been easy.

Thank goodness for chocolate.

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